Out of a world that isn't my own

I've found it harder to breathe lately. Harder to sleep at night, and harder to put a smile on my face. The earth is slowly closing in around me, I can feel it. I spend my time thinking of ways to escape the crushing pressure of the world I've gotten myself into. Its hard to be honest with myself, but when it does happen, I come to the crippling conclusion that whatever hole I'm in, I've dug for myself. And now its time to dig myself out.

I spent the morning alone in the forest. Its hard to detach yourself from the drudgery of every day life until you step out of society in general. There is magic in leaving behind everything you know and stepping out into an unsure world. Comfort can take away the spark that once made new things exciting. So by changing your surroundings, you can be filled with a new set of feelings that have been laying dormant. I like to feel the earth under me in its purest form, as it was created in the beginning of time. I like to smell real air. I like to lay down in a pine grove and shut my eyes and hear nothing but the sounds of the wind blowing through the bristles above me. I find myself caught up in trivial dilemmas that seem utterly useless in a grand scale. So much time and effort is wasted on making the perfect life, when its so easy to see that the perfect life is laying in the leaves of an ancient tree.

If it weren't for fast cars, and big houses and bright tvs, I wouldn't feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on me. The luxuries in our lives over time have slowly turned the tables to where they control us. No longer is a car a helpful invention to make long distances easier to reach, it's an every day commodity that burdens millions of people with an absurd amount of debt. The same goes for almost every product ever made. We've become slaves of our own creations, and blindly let them control our every thought and decision. This is where I feel the suffocation coming in. I'm torn between feelings for a world that makes every day life a simple execution, but also terrorizes us to the point of depression. Is there a balance to be found between material and meaningful lives? Is it possible to live with convenience without it taking away the beauty of life meant living? Where do I draw the line? These are the thoughts plaguing my mind day after day.

The answer, unfortunately, isn't so black and white. There is no crystal clear guideline that works for every person. The conclusion is one to be made by ones self. That alone is a revelation that has taken me until this point to realize. Cookie-cutter products create cookie-cutter lives. When our lives are controlled by the same products that control the lives of everyone around you, all originality is sucked out. Somehow, our lives have been slowly funneled into one. Doesn't it seem strange that everyone is meant to go to school, and get married and have a family and get a job then retire and die? Our only decision making is selecting the type of cookie we want in our cookie-cutter lives. Where did it become normal for every person to be a spitting image of one another? We have let the systems and devices of our own creation turn the tides and take over our very existence. Is that how it was meant to be?

I'm finally able to take a deep breath. I've isolated the problem in my life. I know I can't be the only one. I can't be the only one who takes a look around and sees a world of disenchantment and disillusion. I can't be the only one who has made an effort to see through what we are being sold and look for true beauty in life. I don't find the satisfaction in working towards a material life, and dying with nothing left fulfilled in my heart. I want to feel the exhilaration of making a life that is one hundred percent mine and perfect in every aspect in accordance of what I wanted to achieve. Devices of man were made to simplify life, not to trap us into a mind set of being enslaved by such things. This is my declaration to depart from a world of limitations and confined thinking. To leave behind every feeling of despair for trivial nonsense, and to seek out a more meaningful purpose of life. I know I can't be the only one. Are you with me?

A critique of mind and thought

i hate the struggle you can have with emotions. it blows my mind that by feeling a certain way can change the way you look at life, the things you do, the places you go and basically every aspect of your life. and when those emotions change it can alter your life severely. i dont like the effect that i let this have on me from time to time. so thats why im making it stop.

i like to think i have a very clear understanding of myself. like who i am, and how i present myself to people and so on. i know what i want for myself, and sometimes i would let myself get blinded, or sidetracked from going in the direction i want to be. but im learning to be more grounded in what is real to me. i am, and always have been a happy person. im just wired that way to have a good time, and to make everyone around me have a good time as well. ive been through some pretty heavy shit in my life, and still seemed to make it out just fine. so when something gets me down, or riles up my emotions, i've got to teach myself to suck it up! because if i havent been brought down yet by life, it would take some severe disappointment to crush me. and besides, whats the point of living unhappily?

so what im trying to say is, im taking the events that happen in my life, and turning them into learning lessons. tests to prove my stability. i want to be done with letting stuff get the best of me. i can be better than that. i have made big decisions in my life to remain as happy as i can, and i dont want anything to change that. so i guess the best way to do this is to say...


IM TYLER THOMAS LONG, AND I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT NOTHIN.

The Long Haul

let me talk for a minute about being straight edge. its not something i do very often.

when i was 13 years old, i watched my dad suffer and die from pancreatic cancer. it was easily the hardest thing i've ever had to endure in my life. i wondered every day why that was happening to him, and after a little research i realized it wasn't God torturing him, it was his lifestyle choices that brought him to that point. my father liked to drink. alot. so on the morning of september 13th, 2001 when my father died, i decided i would never ever drink again.

I usually dont talk openly about why i am straight edge, but that is the primary reason. after that day, i started to see the world in a whole new aspect. i was still a young teenager, but i could see a shift in how people we starting to have their fun. and i also started to see a shift in the number of friends i had. In high school i spent many friday and saturday nights alone watching cartoons, and wondering what all the other kids did at this time. i realized it was to drive their trucks into the woods, and sit around a fire and get drunk. and id hear the horror stories of how somebody got hurt, or who hooked up with who, and how they'd never drink again... until next friday.

i was lucky enough to have a small handful of friends that felt the same as me about the general public. and we were obviously different, and we made sure that we let everyone know. with green hair, studded jean vests, plaid pants and pad lock necklaces. we were the punks. and we fit the definition of one. we didnt fit into the norm, and often tried to disrupt other peoples fun. we've all grown up now, and have gone in many different directions, some have sold out, and others remain straight edge. but thats the way it goes. to some people its just a phase.

im 21 years old now, and this has been one of the toughest years for me to be straight edge. NOT going to the bar on my birthday got me alot of weird looks. and that brings me to my point... why the fuck is drinking the standard to have fun? the way i see it, if you cant have a good time without a substance, you obviously dont have any substance of your own. you suck, and you need alcohol to make you feel cooler. i honestly could go on for days about this, but i'll spare you the preaching.

straight edge is a conviction. its a life long conviction. or atleast thats how it was meant to be. but you dont have to be straight edge to have convictions on not doing shitty things. some people do it for themselves, a personal conviction without the need for a label. and i honor and respect that. whatever keeps more people away from that garbage is fine from me, and i will always support them.

as for me, this is the path i chose to take. and i will follow it for life. if you have a problem with that, then i want nothing to do with you in my life.

The path we tread

i dont know what it is that makes me so restless, but i always feel the need to travel. its like my feet wont let me stay in one place for too long. i dont know if it was growing up in a small town reading national geographics and trying to imagine a world where there is more than corn fields and gas stations, or if there is an urgency that i've put on life to see everything i can before these eyes shut for the last time. i think it may be a combination of those things along with many others that have drawn me to so many outrageous places, and will surely take me to sights id never imagine i'd see.

i've got so many stories and adventures bottled up inside my head, that i think my memory may be full soon. but i dont want to delete any of it. im happy that at 21 years old i can say ive done many of the things ive done. from climbing the rocky mountains, to sleeping on the gulf coast of mississippi, or skipping stones on the columbia river, and riding dirtbikes in tennessee i feel like ive done enough to die happy. but like any american, what i have is just not enough.

im ready to head overseas. which in fact is my next major endeavor for those of you who dont know. i'll be spending the summer in europe doing what i love to do most. which is play music and travel. i cant begin to tell you how unbelievably happy and thankful i am for this oppurtunity. i never realistically thought i'd ever make it this far or be able to do what im about to do. so to let it be known, i am rediculiously stoked on this!

as for my future travels after the summer. who knows where i may go. or maybe i'll actually want to slow down a bit. maybe find a girl that can make me want to be home a little more, or even someone who would love to experience the outrageous things i do. but one thing is for sure, it's never planned. whatever happens will happen, and i will make the best of it. or atleast try.

What this means to me

my life sometimes has really high points and really low points. like most people. for about exactly one year my life was in a pretty big slump. it was the probably the lowest ive probably ever been. but the last few months ive been working really really hard to change that.

and im happy to say that i think im finally back to a high point.

my problem with good times though is that they dont seem to last long. its rare for me to have this many things going good for me, and not have it blow up in my face. however, from dealing with such terrible conditions this last year, i've learned to savor every bit of goodness that i can find. and even if my life crumbles to peices again, i want to make sure that the time i have now will not go unappreciated. i never want to take anything for granted, because it all means so much to me.

so to everyone who has came into my life, and made it amazing, i thank you and i love you so much for it. :)

The Road Less Slept Next To

i get side tracked for weeks at a time apparently.


a spent a night in my car this week. not because i had to, but because i love to. there are times when i feel like i am the weirdest person alive for the things i like to do. such as walk 20 miles when i can drive, eat dry ramen noodles, bathe in a creek instead of a shower, listen to am radio, use a duffel bag instead of a dresser. the list goes on and on why i am a complete and total weirdo.

but honestly, i love the way that i am. i dont know if alot of people can say that about themselves, but im glad that i can. its easy to live my life. very very little stress and pressure. i dont worry about alot of bills, i dont cringe at the stock market, and i dont have anyone to impress. its just me, and the silly things i do.

to me, there is nothing better than waking up seaside to the sunrise in the driver seat of a honda civic that ive taken around the country. i feel more alive at that moment than any amusement park ride or world championship victory could ever bring. in the eyes of the world, im an insignificant speck, and i dont mind. that means i can focus on me, and the life i lead rather than the opinion of the world. if you see a homeless man on the street, you would never gauk him for not wearing designer shoes, so why would it make any difference if celebrities did? what im saying is, the life that i lead is going to someday be a bright beautiful painting, even if only i can see the colors.




"Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that." -Norman Vincent Peale

rationally speaking, im an irrational rationalist

today was a surprisingly good day in sharp contrast to yesterday. i did alot of neat things. i need days like this sometimes to keep my head above water, ya know?

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if you could go back and change the decisions you've made in your life. like taking another path. i like to think about where i'd be, and if id be better or worse off than i am now. alot of things i could have done would have greatly improved my situations, im sure. but im happy for the most part about the decisions im made to this point. its gotten me the friends i have, and the experiences i have experienced. ha. but i did blow alot of big chances in my life, and i get bummed sometimes thinking about it. however, screwing choices up has helped me to realize the otential of every oppurtunity, and how i can benefit from it. so i want to live like the Yes man. ive never actually seen that movie, but from my idea of what its about, he says yes to everything, and it brings about some crazy wild experiences. and i want to say yes to crazy wild things.

i hope that i have the discretion to realize what is good for me and what isnt. sometimes though, i like to make bad decisions just to shake things up a bit, and see where my life goes. not the smartest thing im sure, but atleast it makes things a bit more interesting. so if you have a proposition for me, i want to say yes to it!

I should have listened to my friends

if friends were food, id nearly starve to death. in that same metaphor, id say the friends i do have are like my vitamins. they are what i need, and they do me well, but sometimes i still feel hungry. but im too much of a picky eater.

I have a hard time meeting people. i think im secretly too judgemental, or else im afraid of judgement on myself. i just cant relate with many people. its always how its been. its hard to strike up a conversation with many folks since not many people can relate to being dirty, broke, living out of vehicles, having a job that doesnt pay, eating out of the garbage and then actually enjoying all those things. it narrows down the pool of potential friends to a very minimal amout. and then to find girls on top of that? thats a whole nuther story!

So ive learned to spend a great deal of time alone. sometimes its better that way. like when i make stupid decisions, i dont have to drag anyone through them with me. (and i make those alot.) But sometimes being alone sucks. actually alot of the times it does. most things i do would actually be better if someone were there with me.

i guess what im trying to say is... im not an outgoing person, so come be my friend.

A Lesson in self-metamorphisis

Ive tried a thousand times to change who i am and the things that i do. I want to change how i act, talk, treat my friends, walk, eat, brush my teeth, think, make plans, save money, talk to strangers, play music, love.

But to much dismay, it never works the way i want it to. I just gotta swallow hard and accept that this is me forever. But it doesnt mean i still wont try, because my head gets set on a silly idea, and i do everything to follow it.

Why is it that we are never happy with who we are? people go to great lengths to change everything about them and bury what they used to be. And most of the time we are trying to be like someone else. as if being a special beautiful creation of God isnt enough.

I'd like to try to change myself again. To change from trying to be what im not, and just enjoying who i am now. All I can hope is that people will enjoy my company as i am. If not, there are 7 billion other people i can waste my time trying to impress.

Bad Company for the Business Man

We spend our days on our feet, treading to the end of the earth.
A backpack full of freedom not found in stores.
Generic two liters and cold ravioli feed our stomachs while our spirits always crave more.
A hunger that can only be continually fed, but never satisfied.

Because no cubicle could confine our imaginations, and no rule book could tell us our limitations, we dont fit inside the regulations, and i cant even count the number of ciatations... we've recieved just for doing what we do.
We live for months in our cars, get caught up staring at the stars, refuse to have a good time in bars, and wouldnt trade our stories and scars... for any amount of money.

Because a lifetime of memories is worth more than any paycheck.
I'd rather die with a head full of ideas than a pocket full of money.
I didnt meet my best friends in business meetings or cocktail parties,
but in an underground community where we all share the same struggles.
Not just struggles to feed ourselves, but struggles to avoid being manipulated by a society that cares more about an image than ones self worth.
Society that is dictated and oppressed by the power of money.


I'm thankful every day for the people ive chosen to surround myself with. The small handful of you know who you are, and know how much i value your friendship. You keep me from turning into the worthless pile of crap i would be if it werent for you putting silly ideas in my head. But its those silly ideas that burn with passion within me, and id rather be passionate about a seemingly worthless dream than to settle for a 9 to 5 job.


sorry i got so serious,
-tyler

Treetop Agenda

I found out today that I am the most akward person in the world when I'm by myself around people i hardly know. A funeral is a terrible place to learn this. Im sorry for the friends of mine who suffered a loss, but im also sorry for the people who dealt with the akward silence that i gladly provided.

Ive never really been one for conversation with strangers. I wish i was. i want to be that creep on the train that will talk about his bullcrap life like how he's saving up for a new monte carlo because he wrecked his last august coming home from his friend tony's housewarming party where he met this girl tina, and tried to impress her by driving like a retard and slid into a telepohne pole and broke tinas nose and she hasnt called since, but he thinks that if he gets a new car that she'd suddenly be interested again. Nobody could ever care less about this guys stupid life, but atleast he tries you know? i dont get past a hi, how are you.

Today I saw Paul Wagner the news anchor at the bayfront and considered pushing him in the water for not giving derek an autograph when he was 12.

And i decided to not wear shoes as much as possible.

And i also decided to write an autobiography called Neon Sex Wolf.

Jungle Beatz

Day 1: Apocolypse Training

Well, today i start the fascinating life of a blogger. blogger is a disgusting word to me. not that there is anything wrong with writing blogs, its just that the word sounds like something dirty. like doo doo, or swamp water. but either way, im joining the ranks as a blog-ist.

Not with much consolation, thats like saying i just got a new LG chocolate phone. Its cool and new to you, but in reality nobody could care less, and that phone is actually kind of gay. But you still feel some sort of significance from it. The significant feeling im getting from starting a blog hovers in the range of being the first in line for High School Musical 3, and being the only kid at school with a gold foil Liferuiner shirt. If you get my drift.

I honestly dont know (or really care) what I will write in the blog. I spend alot of my time thinking about the most unbelievably dumb things, so I think I will let ya'll know those things, and hopefully take time away from you doing something productive. If you find this waste of time worth your precious time, then please stay tuned. If not... you suck faggot. with all due respect.


Congratulations on reading this far
-Tyler